


I Want You to Mean It

by macabreiero (orphan_account)



Category: Jasey Rae - All Time Low (Song), Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Angst, Breakup, Gay, M/M, Oneshot, P!ATD, Ryden, Sad Ending, Sad and Sweet, Technically?, fling reference, kinda sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-09-01 06:33:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20253727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/macabreiero
Summary: Ryan knew a fling with Brendon wouldn't last long, he was leaving in two weeks anyway.So why did it hurt so much now that he was leaving?





	I Want You to Mean It

**Author's Note:**

> based around the song "Jasey Rae" by All Time Low  
I really like this, it's sad but I'm kinda proud of it  
but like i didn't exactly *edit* it  
so

Ryan was sobbing, alone in his bedroom, home alone. Of course, flings meant nothing, flings always were just short little romances that ended in a week or two. Ryan knew this, Ryan was smarter than this. So why did it hurt so much? Brendon Urie was his name. He gave his heart to him for the past two weeks and now Brendon was leaving. Forever. To just forget about him. For some reason, Ryan had the airline app pulled up on his phone until he found Brendon’s flight back to his home in Nevada, away from Ryan in California. He was checking the status every second, hoping just maybe it’d get cancelled and Brendon would have to stay at least one day longer. But it made no sense to hope, the weather was fine.

So it was five minutes before Brendon left him forever

Four minutes until Brendon left him forever.

Three minutes.

Two.

One.

Now. Now Brendon’s flight would be taking off and they’d never see each other again. How could I be so stupid, Ryan thought. Why did I flirt back? Why did I let him kiss me? Why did I take him home? Why did I let myself give into urges, why did I sleep with him?

He needed to clear his mind. Ryan got up and wiped his dry eyes before his mom could ask him what was wrong. She didn’t know about Brendon and she didn’t need to find out. Not now, not ever. He announced he was going out for a bit before leaving and going through his neighborhood, head down and hands in pocket. Goddammit, why’d he let himself go so far? If it was just one kiss at that concert Brendon played, Ryan was sure he wouldn’t be hurting this bad. He’d be fine now. Maybe that woulda been it and Ryan wouldn’t have even acknowledged Brendon leaving. But no, he was an idiot. He let himself fall in love with a guy who couldn’t stay and now he was in pieces. Could you even fall in love in two weeks?

“Ryan?”

Looking up quickly, somewhat shocked Ryan saw Brendon. What was he doing? He was supposed to be on a plane back to his family in Nevada, not in a neighborhood in suburban California. But there he was, standing before Ryan with an apologetic look on his face.

“Brendon? What are you doing here?” said Ryan, quietly. “You missed your flight.”

“I know,” said Brendon, wiping a tear from Ryan’s cheek with the sleeve of his lavender hoodie. “I couldn’t just leave. I needed to see you, I needed to apologize.”

“What?”

“You know what,” said Brendon, helplessly. “I’m the one who initiated the relationship. I flirted, I went in for a kiss. All when I knew it was just a few shows and I’d be home. I was an ass.”

“Yeah, it was pretty fucking rude,” said Ryan, arms crossed. “My heart’s broken because of you. I shouldn’t have responded. I guess it’s on me.”

“It’s really not.”

“Why are you even here, Brendon? Your flight was supposed to take off--” Ryan checked his watch before finishing, “a half hour ago!”

“I know, I can just book a flight tomorrow,” said Brendon. “I should have talked to you before I left. If I didn’t the guilt might literally kill me.”

“And the heartbreak might literally kill me.”

“Is it really heartbreak, Ryan? Is it?” said Brendon, getting teary eyed himself. “Did you really love me? Because I don’t think I ever loved you. It was a two week fling, we flirted and messed around. Barely enough time to fall in love.”

“I loved you! What’s so hard to believe about that?” Ryan was almost sobbing now, shaking as he spoke. It was love, wasn’t it? Only love could make Ryan hurt this much, couldn’t it?

“We’re 17.”

“So?”

Brendon cupped Ryan’s face in his hands for one last kiss. One last kiss while they were both crying onto each other. When they pulled apart, Brendon wiped tears from his face. “Did you feel anything? Cuz I sure as hell didn’t.”

“I--I didn’t.”

“Then it was never love.”

Ryan’s breath caught as he said, crying still. “Maybe it wasn’t, but you meant so much to me. In those two weeks, I wanted to be with you forever. I am broken now. Broken! I lo--” Ryan stopped himself before using the word again, knowing Brendon would deny it again. “It was cruel of you. Fucking. Cruel. To treat somebody the way you treated me. You did tell me you loved me in those two weeks, don’t even try to deny it, I remember. That moment’s been burned in my mind since it happened.”

“I know I did, I was stupid,” said Brendon, frantically wiping his eyes. “But I want you to know I mean this. I mean it when I say I did ca--and I still do! I still do care about you a lot. I mean it when I say I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I lead you on, I’m so sorry I took things so far when I was just gonna leave you.”

“Yeah, it was shitty.”

“I know, I realize it was shitty. You heard me say how I don’t agree with what I did… bur I don’t regret it.”

“You what? You’re really telling me you don’t regret playing with my emotions like that?” Now Ryan’s tears were turning to angry tears. First Brendon  _ did  _ what he did in the first place and now he was telling Ryan he didn’t regret it. How much more of an asshole could he be?

“I don’t Ryan…” said Brendon. “I’m sorry I ‘played with your emotions’ but… but it’s a learning experience for both of us. We learned what we want. We learned what not to do.”

Ryan rolled his eyes. “Bullshit. I’m calling bullshit. Maybe you learned, I learned nothing. I learned never to trust the beautiful boy who compliments you at a concert. Cuz he’s an asshole who’s leaving in two weeks and wants to use you for… for a song inspiration or some shit and forget about you!”

“That’s not why I did it…” muttered Brendon. “I thought I could love you. I thought maybe it would work out and if it did go long distance, so be it but when… when I came back for college I’d have someone to look forward to seeing. But things didn’t work out, at least not on my part. And I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been so naive.”

“Say you’re sorry and mean it,” Ryan demanded, breaking eye contact with Brendon, just looking down now. If Brendon didn’t regret it, then did he really mean his apologies?

“I said I’m--”

“Well I said mean it!”

“I--” Brendon took a deep breath in. “I mean it Ryan. I mean it when I say I’m sorry. I wish things could have been different, I really do. I wish things could have worked out, I wish I really did fall in love with you.”

“How do you know that’s not possible? If you stuck around maybe, maybe we could work out,” begged Ryan. First he was mad and now he really didn’t want to lose Brendon. He really really didn’t want too.

“I wish I could, Ryan. I do,” said Brendon, putting a hand on Ryan’s cheek and letting it linger there. “But we’re 17. I have to go home. I’ll… I’ll be back for college and if we’re still in touch, try to find me. Even if we’re not, maybe I’ll try to find you. Maybe in the end, things will work out. Maybe.”

Ryan looked at Brendon one last time. He knew he was leaving now. They’d probably never see each other again, if Ryan was being honest with himself. So what Ryan decided was he’d kiss Brendon again, once more before he left. Less aggressive this time and more soft and passionate. Because Ryan  _ had  _ felt something the first time, he really had. He wanted to see if it really was there. And when he pulled away, he knew it was. Brendon’s shocked face could either mean he felt it too or the kiss just surprised him and Ryan wasn’t a good guesser so he wasn’t about to try.

“Goodbye, Brendon Urie. Thanks for everything.”

“Goodbye, Ryan Ross…” Brendon said in the same town. “I hope our paths cross again.”

Maybe they would and maybe they wouldn’t. But something now, even though Ryan was so sure he fell in love with the boy…. something didn’t feel quite so bad anymore.


End file.
